‘Any new way to get out of Britain can only be good’ say Business chiefs on Heathrow expansion

October 26, 2016

Business leaders have welcomed the government’s approval of a third Heathrow runway on the basis that any new way to leave Britain can’t be bad.

Planes full of business people queue to leave the UK

After Brexit, firms able to relocate to Europe will dig a new Channel Tunnel with their bare hands if that’s what it takes, so yes, what the Hell, let’s have more runways, they say.

William Bodie, chief executive of Tech Holdings, said: “How many fire escapes from a burning building is too many? The answer is none.

“I mean a lot, you can never have too many, I mean – look, just build it. We can talk about why at our offices in Munich.

“My only question for Theresa May is, are shovels in the ground yet? And if not why not?

“And is three enough?”

Ray Doyle of the Institute of Companies, said: “Build a dozen runways. No, a hundred.

“Turn Britain into one huge airport, with more border force officers than passengers, because don’t forget no one’s allowed in.

“That’s your best chance of an industry now.”

Nigel Farage said: “Clearly these businesses don’t accept the democratic will of the British people, otherwise they would agree to share their fate of bankruptcy.”

Jean-Claude Juncker less sympathetic to Theresa May’s Brexit expectations than Jean-Claude Van Damme

October 24, 2016

Theresa May has less hope of reaching mutually acceptable Brexit terms with Jean-Claude Juncker than with Universal Soldier star Jean-Claude Van Damme, it has emerged.

Jean-Claude Juncker in training for Brexit talks

While the Muscles from Brussels has yet to comment on Brexit, the European Commission president has been actively expressing his disdain by communicating with Mrs May in Van Damme quotes.

Told of Mrs May’s plans for a “hard Brexit” but also for Britain to play a full role in the EU until it left, Mr Juncker said: “If you think you can have whatever you want then it’s probably time to die.”

On Mrs May’s objection to talks being held in French, he said: “A slap in the face is the same in every language.”

Number 10 has welcomed Mr Juncker’s comments as an improvement on the mouth-fart he offered in response to Mrs May’s EU summit Brexit speech.

However, asked for clarification of his position Mr Juncker told Swan Bake: “I’m fascinated by air. Air is beautiful yet you cannot see it. It’s soft yet you cannot touch it.

“Air is also like Brexit. You can blow it out your arse.”

Donald Trump to become president in his own mind whatever happens in election

October 20, 2016

Donald Trump will be appointed president of the United States within the confines of his imagination whether he wins the election or not, he has confirmed.

Donald Trump demonstrating his “seduction” technique

A majority vote against him will not be allowed past the heavily guarded wall around his internal reality, within which all women welcome sexual molestation and he is a handsome Emmy winner with good hair.

Internal Trump said: “The media is so bad, they’ve poisoned the minds of the voters, but unfortunately for them no one reads their papers in my brain.

“No one reads. They just stand around cheering ‘Trump’ while I make strange hand gestures and smile smugly and tell them, ‘You people, you’re the smart people. You’re like me. I’m a smart person.’

“And they are like me. In fact they are all me.

“Not Mexican.”

Political analyst Ray Doyle said: “Trump threatened to keep us ‘in suspense’ about whether he’d accept losing the election, but that’s like a four-year-old saying he’s not going to tell you whether he ate the chocolate that’s all over his face and hands.

“There’s no more suspense about it than there is about whether he’s harrumphing gropey cockwomble.”

Theresa May introduces daily ‘medicine’ for dissenting MPs

October 19

MPs to question Theresa May’s views have been prescribed a course of unidentified daily tablets described by the prime minister as “good for them”.

Theresa May: “Don’t get upset. It’s good for you.”

The measure is thought to be aimed at securing agreement over Brexit, Heathrow or a 50-foot statue of Mrs May in Trafalgar Square if that’s what she decides she wants.

Although the ingredients of the tablets are unknown, the measure came to light after behavioural changes were noted in the “patients”.

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “W-w-w-well, I-I, w-w-went to N-Number 10 and M-M-Mrs M-M-M-M-M…”

Brexit Secretary David Davis said: “Ahh, Juicy Fruit.”

Foreign secretary Boris Johnson is understood to have been first to be prescribed the “treatment” after telling Mrs May: “It was 48% to 52%. All we probably needed was one vote, right?

“And look: I wrote this column for the Sunday Times in February about how Brexit would be fucking insane.

“Would you please make it stop now?”

But Mrs May told him: “Mr Johnson, the referendum was held and the vote was closed.”

Sources say the tablets have led to at least one case of “over-compliance”, from a Tory councillor who launched a petition saying Remainers should be charged with treason. Guildford councillor Christian Holliday has since undergone a lobotomy.

Suspicions have also been raised that the “medicine” has found its way into the water supply after polls showed inexplicable public support for Mrs May.

Lifetime Labour supporter Harriet Makepeace said: “I love Theresa May. That’s why I voted for her.

“Isn’t it?”

Remainers finally find measure of Brexit damage that Leavers can understand as Tesco runs out of Pot Noodle

October 12, 2016

Leavers have at last shown willingness to listen to facts over Brexit after being unable to buy the Pot Noodle they wanted for lunch.

The new British currency after the pound became pointless

As supplies of Unilever products dwindled at Tesco amid a row over the plummeting pound, Remainers expressed delight at having struck upon a currency Brexiters seemed able to appreciate.

Remainer Will Bodie said: “Job losses, shrinking economy, the rise of intolerance and hate crime – they’re all just words, aren’t they?

“A £1 plastic pot of dehydrated noodles and flavouring requiring only the addition of water from a kettle – that’s dinner.

“Of course it will be more like £2 by the time it’s back on the shelves but let’s keep it simple for fuck’s sake: there were Pot Noodles; now there are no Pot Noodles.

“I had my longest yet fact-based Brexit discussion with a Leaver today. It lasted two minutes without diversion into xenophobic anecdote, misguided patriotism or undisguised racism.

“Admittedly there was a lot of repetition of ‘Where are the Pot Noodles?’ ‘There are no Pot Noodles.’

“Then he said he was going to get a kebab.”

Brexiter Ray Doyle said: “Yeah, all right, I get it, I see, no Pot Noodles. But, I’ve heard it’s because immigrants ate them.”

‘Let’s take back our £350 million a week from Britain,’ chuckles Jean-Claude Juncker

October 12, 2016

EU chief Jean-Claude Juncker has been suppressing laughter ever since learning Britain could pay £billions a year to access the single market after leaving the EU.

Juncker: “Ah, that British sense of humour. At least they still have that.”

Reading reports that Whitehall officials were considering continuing EU contributions to secure preferential trading terms after Brexit, the EC president said “But the NHS,” before cracking up and then putting on a straight face again.

In a private conversation with Angela Merkel, Juncker said: “How may Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to change the bulb, one to flick the switch and all of them to flail around in the dark wondering why they voted to stop paying the electricity bill.”

A smirking German Chancellor responded: “What do you think of this pen? I think I might throw it in the bin. The time I spend pressing and releasing the button on the end could be used to write memos. Can I borrow a pen?”

“I have a Polish pen.” said Juncker.

“Fuck your migrant pen,” said Merkel. “I’ll just press the paper really hard with this British pound coin. I can’t remember what it’s for anyway. Probably this.”

‘Creepy clown’ phenomenon spreads from UK to US

October 11, 2016

A “creepy clown” who caused havoc in the UK has now been seen in the US.

“Terrifying contrast”: the happy clown…

The prankster, who spread fear across Britain with a string of appearances as a “creepy racist clown”, has appeared in New York with another scary clown, known to be local.

Witness Ray Doyle said: “The UK clown stands there with this hideous huge grin on his face while the US one has this big frown.

“It’s an unnerving contrast made all the more terrifying by their grotesquely exaggerated features – the frowning clown’s bald with a candyfloss wig and the smiling one has no lips at all and looks like an Alan Partridge walk-on in The Simpsons.

“I shat a brick.”

…and the sad one.

The pair have terrified women in particular, with a victim randomly told to “calm down” in one creepy appearance by the smiling UK clown and another threatened with sexual assault by his frowning US counterpart.

New York Police Commissioner Bill Bodie said: “The real fear is this could spread and turn into a craze as it did in the UK, where 52% of the population were persuaded to act like total clowns.”