Have you seen these seven signs of a psychopath? world asks US

Are you aware of these seven classic personality traits of a psychopath and do they remind you of anyone? the world has asked America.

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‘We did an image search too and found this. Know who he is?’ world asks US.

The world told the US: “We just Googled ‘psychopath’ for some reason and found these seven clues which made us think of you. Don’t know why.

“The first is ‘glib and superficial’, so maybe some perma-tanned freak with inexplicable hair doing off-the-cuff speeches.

“Apparently they ‘need constant stimulation’, so if they were President maybe they’d hold a rally with hardcore supporters within weeks of taking office. Don’t know why that example came to mind.

“Perhaps they’d need intelligence briefings to be brief, with lots of graphics.

“They have ‘poor behavioural controls’ so perhaps they’d think it’s okay to grope women.

“They’re ‘pathological liars’, telling big lies and small lies all the time, about anything from their popularity to their tax affairs, or whether they have committed treason through links to Russia. Again, not sure where these examples are coming from.

“They ‘never take responsibility’ and accusations will be turned back on the accusers. So if the media called them out for lying, for example, they would call the media liars.

“They have ‘grandiose, exaggerated self-esteem’. Perhaps in the same breath as calling the press liars they would gratuitously comment that they themselves would make a ‘pretty good reporter’.

“Perhaps they’d falsely say they’d enjoyed the biggest Electoral College win since Reagan. If they were President, which they aren’t because we’re blue-sky thinking here.

“Finally, they ‘lack empathy’. How could that manifest itself? Maybe they’d think one reporter’s physical disability was an appropriate subject for public ridicule by imitation.

“Or suddenly ban some people from the country, including legal residents who happen to be overseas, causing five-year-olds to get ‘extreme vetting’ before seeing their mothers.

“Maybe they’d want to use the National Guard to tear apart communities and families.

“Anyway, look, we wrote a list which we’re just going to leave here. You know, in case it reminds you of anyone.

“Small hands.

“What? No, we didn’t say small hands.

“Bye.”

‘Just wait a bit and this will all blow over,’ Brexit Secretary tells EU

Britain will stay open to migrants for years after Brexit and by then will have finally realised it needs them, so just bear with us, David Davis is telling EU leaders.

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‘We need migrants. That’s why we’re leaving the EU,’ says Mr Davis.

While they may hate foreigners, Leavers will hate picking fruit even more, and just need the time to work it out, the Brexit Secretary said in Estonia.

Starting a tour of EU capitals ahead of Brexit negotiations, Mr Davis said: “If we could get British people to do demeaning jobs in 16-hour shifts for £3 an hour then believe us, we would have.

“Brexit will happen, Britain will stay open and years later, when Leavers realise it means we’re going to force them to work for peanuts instead, they’ll decide foreigners aren’t so bad.

“So just carry on as you are while we ‘take back control’,” Mr Davis added with a wink.

Brexit voter Ray Doyle said: “If it will take years to replace migrant workers with British ones then the Government needs to reinstate bursaries so older people like me can retrain as something skilled.

“Because I am not doing that shit.”

Felllow Brexit voter Will Bodie said: “Yeah, well, we still won. Losers!”

Theresa May fails to get taxi after four times dodging question about destination

Theresa May has failed to get a taxi after repeatedly dodging a question from the driver about where she would like to go.

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The Prime Minister had been on a by-election campaign visit to Copeland, where she had repeatedly dodged a question about closing a maternity ward, before hailing a cab.

Asked “Where to?” by the driver, Mrs May said: “First of all, the Labour party have been misleading in their representation of where I would like to go. Trudy Harrison, our candidate, knows the importance of the destination being correct. What is important-”

“Where do you want to go?” said the driver.

“What is important,” Mrs May pressed on, “is that Trudy Harrison is a candidate who has made clear her views on the destination, not just to me but to ministers.

“But she’s also somebody who has a track record of going to the right place.”

“Where do you want go, though?” said the driver.

“The Labour Party has been completely misleading about my position on this subject-”

“What is your position on it?” said the driver.

“What I’ve said about this subject – and Trudy Harrison has made very clear to me the importance of going to the right place – there is an issue about going to the wrong place.

“Trudy has come up with a very sensible idea that I need to go to the right place, and that is something that I am looking at.”

“Fuck off,” said the driver.

Real story here is that they told on me, says 10-year-old boy made leader of free world

A 10-year-old boy put in charge of the world says the media should focus not on his profound unsuitability for the job but the fact tell-tales keep talking about it.

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Trump Magazine, one of many of the boy’s projects which have failed because he is a child.

The “real story” isn’t that he has no character or moral compass and runs government like a rudderless ship of insane child pirates but that people are finding out, he says.

In a tweet directed at US intelligence agencies, who he blames for leaking the fact he works for Russia, he wrote: ‘Telling tales is ileegal criminal crimes. FAKE NOOS!’

A second tweet said  Hilary Clinton was a conspiracy theorist behind a conspiracy against him, adding ‘Believe me’.

The boy has drawn up a list of ‘fake’ and ‘great’ media outlets, with those that talk about his idiocy and corruption on the former and Trump Magazine on the latter.

He is also refusing to take any question that is not “What would you like to talk about?”

Democratic congressman Mark Pocan said: “The joke’s over. This boy needs to be impeached. And spanked.”

Remember when I told you I was at Hillsborough? Paul Nuttall asks everyone he knows

Paul Nuttall has been asking baffled friends if they remember that time he told them about being at Hillsborough.

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Paul Nuttall, who was never a professional footballer, didn’t lose ‘close friends’ at Hillsborough and isn’t a real egg.

The UKIP leader has been contacting old acquaintances and recounting obscure incidents from their shared past as if they are fond memories rather than episodes they have tried to forget, before adding: “And that time I told you I’d been at Hillsborough – that happened too, didn’t it?”

One old school friend replied: “No mate. I remember when you called me a Paki, though.”

Another said: “Did you? Oh, okay,” but hesitated when Mr Nuttall asked him to sign an affidavit, responding: “Look, I’ve got to go, Paul. I’ve left a fork in the knife draw.”

So far Mr Nuttall is understood to have found one person willing to sign the affidavit but was escorted from the care home before pen could be put to paper.

Ray Doyle, 91, a former teacher of Mr Nuttall’s, told Swan Bake: “Yes, I remember Paul saying he’d been at Hillsborough.

“Is he my father?”

Labour now less popular among working-class voters than hat of shit

Working-class voters are now less likely to vote Labour than for a top hat full of shit, according to latest research.

collapsible_top_hat_imgp9677A YouGov poll found Labour had dropped to its lowest ever approval rating among blue collar voters, after previously sitting just below a bowler hat of shit.

Labour is now ahead only of a vat of shit in the list of things people would like to see win forthcoming by-elections in Stoke and Cumbria.

It places further pressure on leader Jeremy Corbyn, who has to inspire voters in areas traditionally seen as Labour’s heartlands more than two hats of shit.

Stoke minimum-wage earner Ray Doyle said: “I suppose I could vote for a party that wants me to be better off but I like UKIP leader Paul Nuttall. And hats of shit.”

Have you tried not being bastards? Tories asked

One way to avoid being viewed as bastards would be to stop being a bunch of bastards, the Conservative Party has been told.

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Former cabinet member Nicky Morgan wrote on ConservativeHome: ‘What does the way in which we are dealing with refugee children say about our values as a party?’ That you are motherfuckers.

After Tory MP Nicky Morgan said the party’s rejection of child refugees meant it ‘must work doubly hard to avoid appearing to know the price of everything and the value of nothing,’ voters have suggested simply not being like that.

Voter Ray Doyle said: “I had a very similar problem: I used to be a bastard and I really struggled with how not to appear a bastard. Then I tried not being a bastard. After that I stopped appearing to be a bastard.”

Will Bodie, another voter, said: “Similarly, everyone used to think I was a motherfucker. Then they stopped thinking I was a motherfucker.

“This was after I stopped being a motherfucker.”

Political commentator George Cowley said: “It’s easy to see why the Conservative Party would ‘work doubly hard to avoid appearing’ to be bastards rather than just not be bastards.

“It is because they are bastards.”

Responding to the suggestion that they just stop being bastards, a Tory spokesperson said: “We are bastards.”

Pressed for clarification of why the party didn’t try not being bastards then, the spokesperson added: “We are bastards.”