Disbelief as France burkini ban fails to fix terrorism

August 26, 2016

France is reeling in shock at indications that extremists might still want to do terrorism despite the country’s vague and divisive beach dress code for women.

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A woman dressed ‘incorrectly’ in France, yesterday

It was thought that the banning of ‘incorrect’ muslim women’s clothing would immediately neutralise radicalism and that if it didn’t, nothing could.

But in a development which French authorities are calling a “curveball”, intelligence agencies say it may not have worked.

The news has divided French government, with some saying mayors should think before banning stuff and others laying blame at the door of muslims and their “disrespectful” clothes.

In a further complication, non-muslim women have also reacted angrily to the ban, a response not anticipated by the male architects of the policy who wear whatever they want anywhere in the world

a French minister told Swan Bake: “And do you know what else? Turns out it’s not even fucking legal. Who could have predicted that of a ban on ‘bad-mannered’ clothes which leaves it to the police to interpret what that means?

“This is political correctness gone mad.”

Richard Branson has no problem finding seat in limo

August 25, 2016

There’s no need for extra limos because Richard Branson immediately found a seat in his with several to spare, the business mogul has confirmed.

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Although he sat on the floor momentarily, it was purely an exercise to help him imagine what it would be like to travel on a train, the Virgin boss said.

But anyone feeling like making an issue over seating had better not, because CCTV showed there was a vacant one on the 3.15pm from London to Manchester on July 31, Branson added.

He said: “Of course trains are overcrowded. It would take someone divorced from reality, perhaps by virtue of obscene wealth, to try to undermine that point. A billionaire tax-exile for example.

“Certainly someone who never has to get a fucking train.

“But instead of indisputable fact, let us focus on this photo of a seat left vacant briefly while a passenger went to the toilet. And indeed this one, of the passenger on the toilet.

“Because I have CCTV my friend, and I’m willing to use to it.

“You thought it was for security, didn’t you it? It is; the security of my business interests.

“Although I also have a private collection of images for ‘entertainment’.

“For the avoidance of doubt, I’m talking about wanking.

“So if you’re thinking of taking a photo of people standing in a crowded vestibule, walk on, literally, past one of my ‘security’ cameras, and remember: I may have missed out on the National Lottery but it could still be you.”

We won your Rio 2016 medals too, Conservative MP tells former British colonies

August 24, 2016

We’ll be taking credit for those, a Conservative MP has told former British colonies who mistakenly thought their Olympic medals were a result of their own sporting excellence.

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Heather ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ Wheeler

You continue to be indebted to us for anything you ever achieve because let’s not forget you were nothing before we came along, South Derbyshire MP Heather Wheeler has reminded former British imperial territories including India, Australia and much of the US.

If your success signifies anything at all, it’s that it’s right for Britain to leave the EU, and if you’ve got a problem with that then bring on the fucking trade negotiations, Wheeler squeezed in to a single devastatingly offensive Tweet.

US athlete Ray Doyle said: “I thought the medal I trained six hours a day for the last four years to win was a credit to my own country but clearly that’s wrong.

“I can see now that it’s all been an incredibly elaborate exercise in validating Brexit, whatever the fuck that is.”

British empire lamenter Will Bodie said: “Offensive? Hah! Any light-hearted remark will spark outrage from the Twitter PC brigade.

“The British empire was great and if you find that offensive you should go back to your ancestral homeland, which by rights is also British.”

Prison isolation will make welcome break from telly commitments, says Anjem Choudary

August 22, 2016

Putting Anjem Choudary in a prison isolation unit to stop him spreading hatred will give him a nice break from doing it on TV, he says.

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Jack-in-the-box jihadi Anjem Choudary

While the measure may stop him radicalising violent convicts, it doesn’t really matter because he’ll just go on Newsnight when he gets out and do it that way, he has confirmed

The radical hate trumpet refused to speak directly to the press about finally having to shut up, but a stand-in dial-a-jihadi said: “He’s tired of the limelight.

“For years he’s been a jihadi jack-in-the-box for tabloids and telly.

“Press a button and out he pops: ‘Stone adulterers!’ Shut the box and share the public’s outrage at what’s in there, like it wasn’t you that let it out.

“He’s also been busy exploiting his stardom by personally influencing as many impressionable people as possible.

“He deserves to put his feet up.

“For the duration of his incarceration, journalists needing a focal-point for outrage or simply to fan the flames of division can come to me.

“Later you can write with no hint of irony about me finally being silenced.

“Have I mentioned that I support the killing of everyone who doesn’t share my narrow world view? Get that in, please.”

It’s brilliant that landlords pocket £9bn in housing benefit, says man who gets everything profoundly wrong

August 20, 2016

Private landlords are hard-working philanthropists who deserve the £9bn of taxpayers’ money they received last year, according to a man who’s always completely mistaken about everything.

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Mr Read, out for a walk in his home town of Lancing, West Sussex

Instead of reducing the housing benefit bill by investing more in social housing, the government should continue paying wealthy people to essentially do nothing, according to Alex Read, who also believes all staircases should be one-way, up or down.

“It definitely won’t worsen the housing crisis and cost us all more, any more than private landlords are all basically in it for themselves,” he said.

“I suppose you could argue that council houses shouldn’t be sold off cheaply in the first place, only for councils to end up buying or renting them back at full market price,” he added.

“But that would make you an Illuminati space lizard.”

Theresa May makes country smell her fart and country likes it

August 19, 2016

Theresa May has farted into a cupped hand and thrust it into the nation’s gullible face, and the nation has announced that it enjoyed it.

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Theresa May, canvassing for support in the safe Tory seat of a brutal Darwinian killing field

Puzzled by her own high approval rating in polls and wondering what she’d have to do to be unpopular, the Tory-right prime minister used her other hand to firmly grip the back of the nation’s head for several seconds before releasing it and asking, “What do you say?”

“Thank you,” said Britain.

Mrs May is now planning to ask the country what that mark on its shirt is and flick it on the nose when it looks down, over and over again until it’s confused and scared.

A senior Tory MP said: “It has the capacity for compassion of a praying mantis and moves like a creature sharing the exoskeletal bone structure of a praying mantis.

“What is it?

“You’re going to say ‘My favourite politician since Boris Johnson.’

“The unelected praying mantis is going to say, ‘That’s not even a thing,’ and slowly eat your head while you thank it for being a steady hand on the tiller.”

The newly politically motivated can forget it, says Labour

August 13, 2016

Anyone feeling suddenly politically motivated because of Jeremy Corbyn can forget it because it’s never going to happen, according to his own party.

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“Do it somewhere else,” says Labour

All those inspired to join Labour by an unfamiliar sense of hope in politics are invited to return directly to apathy.

Labour MP George Cowley said: “Electable or not, Jeremy Corbyn has demarginalised hundreds of thousands of people, giving them something to vote for in a party that matters, daring them to hope for change, for ‘Corbyn in, Tories out,’ as they say.

“What a prick.

“We say to those people, Corbyn in, Tories out, do the hokey cokey and turn around and get to fuck.

“There’s nothing for you here.

“You want change? Give me £50, I’ll give you £20 and use the rest to pay for your taxi back to the political wilderness, where you have an urgent meeting with disenfranchisement.

“We’ll call it your membership fee.

“Don’t forget your fucking placard.

“Are you still here?”