Isis claims responsibility for Sir Roger Moore’s death

An Isis source has claimed the group is responsible for the death of Sir Roger Moore, telling Swan Bake: “Who? Oh yeah, that was us.”

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“I don’t think so.”

The source said: “A caliphate soldier was able to destroy the crusader Sir Patrick Moore.

“What? Yeah, right, Roger Moore on… Monday? Tuesday, yes.

“The martyr… There was no martyr? Oh, okay. The soldier was able to cause the accident… What? The cancer, yes the cancer. We made that.

“So watch out. We’re not in retreat and desperate.

“This is just the beginning. Grrr.”

You thought what? God asks ‘caliphate soldier’

“I need you to go over this again because frankly I’m not getting it,” God said to a man calling himself a “caliphate soldier” this week.

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“You brought yourself here prematurely. Okay, fine. It’s what these other people are doing here that I’m struggling with.

“You took it upon yourself to bring them. Because according to you they are ‘shameless’? Them?

“And you did this for me, thinking I was helping and expecting my approval?”

“I -” began the man.

“Shut up,” said God.

“I haven’t even got to this stuff about you wanting to do the same thing to everyone who doesn’t share your insane logic. And thinking I want that. That anyone could want that – want this – and deserve worship as a god.”

“I -” began the man again.

“Still shut up,” said God.

“I’ll say this once: nothing you want is ever going to happen. It’s not possible, it doesn’t make any sense and anyway I’m not real. This is all in the mind. And not even your mind. You never used yours.”

No one has ever survived so many fuck-ups during first four months in a job, Trump assured

Most people don’t get away with a single colossal fuck-up during their first four months in a job, let alone one a day, Donald Trump has been assured.

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After the US president complained that “no politician in history has been treated worse”, critics and supporters alike rallied to reassure him that people had been sacked from Kentucky Fried Chicken for saying less stupid things.

KFC worker Ray Doyle said: “The first few months are basically a trial in which even one devastating scandal would do it.

“Lying about everything, calling everyone who questions you a liar, basically talking unremitting bullshit – I’d be doing well if I got away with that for a day, never mind every day for four months.”

Will Bodie, who serves food at Subway, said: “I couldn’t actually endanger lives by blabbing secrets to a rival. There just isn’t the scope in this job for me to fuck up that badly. I suppose the nearest equivalent would be putting poison in the Subs and it’s an unspoken rule that that is not on.

“But let’s say for the sake of argument that I was investigated for blabbing secrets and I tried to influence the investigator and then got away with firing them like I thought I was still on reality fucking TV.

“Well, it’s all just beyond the pale. I’d be giving myself a big pat on the back, never mind talking more shit about unfair treatment.”

Man on over £80,000 expects you to give a shit

A man earning over £80,000 a year is not voting Labour simply because he doesn’t want to pay any more tax and expects you to sympathise with his bullshit, he has confirmed.

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Ray Doyle thinks he pays “enough tax already” even though it is patently clear from the state of public services that he does not.

He believes that the statement “I would fall into the new higher rate” should be considered persuasive justification of his position by the 95% of people who would not, instead of an affirmation of his bloated sense of entitlement.

Mr Doyle said: “Yes, it might pay for 10,000 more police officers, hundreds of thousands of council houses and make millions of people better off.

“More importantly though, it would not make me better off. I could be down £1,000 a year, to my last £53,000 after tax. So fuck you, anyone who votes Labour is crazy and doesn’t understand how things work.

“Am I right or am I right?”

Man grappling with choice between helping future generation’s education or killing animals for fun

A man is seeing clear parallels in the 2017 General Election with his own competing desires to help with his children’s education or kill animals for fun.

Jeremy Corbyn Theresa May

News that Theresa May supports fox hunting while Labour will scrap university fees has only confused matters for Ray Doyle, who last night spent an hour helping his son with maths before chasing down and killing a swan with a spade.

Mr Doyle said: “Timmy’s future is the most important thing in the world to me.

“Along with the simple pleasure of causing the needlessly terrifying and brutal deaths of animals.

“Timmy needs extra help and the specialist who provided it at his school has gone in Tory cuts, so it’s essential I do everything I can.

“With the time that leaves, I’m lucky if I get to slowly pull the legs off a spider.

“Do you see the dilemma for me in this election? And I’m just an ordinary man.”

Ray’s neighbour Will Bodie said: “Oh, him. Yeah, we haven’t really had much to do with him since we saw him swerve to run over that squirrel.

“You haven’t seen my cat have you?”

Jeremy Corbyn insists house party will go ahead despite no guests

Jeremy Corbyn is refusing to alter plans to host a party at his north London home despite everyone invited telling him unequivocally they are not going.

Jeremy Corbyn

The Labour leader invited everyone he knows on Facebook and continues to post regularly about how much he’s looking forward to it even though every single one of them has clicked ‘Not going’.

An upbeat Mr Corbyn told Swan Bake: “The overwhelming majority of confirmed attendees are looking forward to the party as much as I am.

“Admittedly I may have to rethink the Rizla game and musical chairs will be brief and strange but pass the parcel promises to be hugely rewarding.

“It will go ahead no matter what and after that there will be another one, irrespective of how disastrous it is.

“That is just how the world works.”

The Dark Lord Voldemort is influencing your minds, Theresa May tells electorate

Theresa May says any recent impression that she is incompetent is the influence of the Dark Wizard Voldemort and must be resisted for the sake of Britain.

Voldemort
Lord Voldemort tries to remember the name of the leader of the Labour Party.

After details emerged of what an arse she is already making of Brexit negotiations, a shaken Prime Minister stood outside Downing Street to say that it was all a spell cast by the Dark Lord.

Mrs May said: “The continental press is saying I’m a fool. European politicians are saying I’m a fool. Right now you may think I am a fool. This is the Dark Lord seizing control of your mind.

“Now, there is every possibility that by polling day on June 8th I will appear even more stupid. That is why it is so important that you see these thoughts as an attack on Britain which only I can fight. Please see them as that.

“Your choice is a strong and stable Conservative government or enslavement to the forces of darkness. I know they sound the same but that’s him again.

“Any vote other than for the Conservatives is a vote for He Who Cannot Be Named.

“And I don’t mean the leader of the Labour Party whose name you sometimes forget.”