Let the poor manage their budgets, says woman in £1,000 trousers

People facing six weeks without benefits should simply manage their budgets, a woman in £1,000 leather trousers has explained.

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Told by Jeremy Corbyn that families faced eviction from their homes because of universal credit payment delays, Theresa May said they should dip into their savings as she would, adding: “What is wrong with them?”

Challenged by the Labour leader in PMQ’s, the Prime Minister said: “There have been concerns raised in the house previously over the issue of people managing their budgets to pay rent.

“Why don’t they just take a walking holiday in Switzerland instead of going to the Algarve, as I did. Or cut back on cashmere sweaters. It’s a piece of piss.

“Quite honestly, if people aren’t responsible enough to realise that rent comes before cashmere then there is literally nothing this government can do for them. Fuck them. It’s for their own good.”

Benefit claimant Ray Doyle, due to be evicted over the payment delay, said: “I suppose I could sell the carpet. If I owned a carpet.”

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Twitter goes strangely quiet for Brexit voter after suspension of Russian trolls

A Leave voter is wondering what has happened to Twitter after accounts run by Russian trolls were suspended.

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Ray Doyle, from Basildon, previously knew the site as a constantly refreshed source of opinion and ideas but last logged on to experience the social media equivalent of being left alone on Earth with Nigel Farage.

Mr Doyle said: “Suddenly I don’t follow anyone, have no followers and the only tweets are my own, which no one appears to have seen.

“If that man in the film 28 Days later had woken up in hospital and checked Twitter instead of going for a walk, it would basically be this.

“Except for Farage. He’s still there, shouting. Imagine that. Alone in the world with a shouting Nigel Farage. That’s a user experience that Twitter might want to look at.

“Then again, they’ve probably been hacked by the same brainwashed zombie remainers that deleted all the accounts I follow. @Leavenowgetoverit told me that happens a lot. Before he disappeared.”

Kim Jong-un developing capacity to throw toys and dummies to US mainland

It is inevitable that toys and dummies will be thrown all the way to mainland US from Kim Yong-un’s pram, the North Korean leader has said.

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Following a week in which he and Donald Trump both threw all their toys in each other’s general direction, Mr Kim plans to test a device capable of striking US mainland targets with Junior Lego bricks plus a half-full pot of yoghurt and the spoon he was eating it with.

It comes after Mr Trump threw some Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Shapes and a Big Boy’s Training Nappy further in North Korea’s direction than any US president in the 21st century.

Announcing his intention in a rare public address on North Korea’s state-run TV network, Mr Kim stared into the camera, put a wet, chubby hand over lens, pushed it over and started to cry.

A North Korean official said: “I’m afraid he gets like this when he’s tired.”

Mr Trump said: “Rocket man is on a suicide mission. Superman is flying around the moon and Spiderman is fighting The Hulk. Look. I did a drawing.

“That smell, by the way, is me.”

EU leaders to show creativity by doodling during Theresa May’s Brexit speech

EU leaders will show their creativity over Brexit by scribbling absent-mindedly during Theresa May’s speech in Florence, they have confirmed.

Doodle

As the Prime Minister calls on them to be “imaginative and creative” about reaching a Brexit deal, they will pen rough caricatures of her in range of perilous situations, they have said.

After learning Mrs May would call on them to “show vision” in overcoming deadlocked Brexit talks, EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier said: “I’m seeing her being eaten by a massive crocodile.

“No, a toad. A gigantic toad. It’s got blond hair and a hat that says ‘Boris’ on it. And she’s imploring it to be creative and imaginative in reaching an arrangement where she doesn’t get eaten. She’s saying it has a ‘profound sense of responsibility’ not to eat her. But it’s just eating her anyway. It’s eating her up.”

Chief Brexit coordinator Guy Verhofstadt said: “I know what to do here. You use your notepad to make a flip book. The toad can eat her and then use its creativity to create a poo.

“Or get eaten itself by something even bigger. Or just squashed under a massive boot. Really badly squashed. The boot’s massive.

“That’s a bit complicated though. I’ll probably just draw a huge cock and balls.”

Theresa May to say soundbites to the sea

Theresa May will deliver a series of stock phrases to the sea in the hope of halting the encroaching tide, Downing Street has announced.

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After delivering a speech in Florence aimed at kickstarting deadlocked Brexit negotiations, the Prime Minister will travel to an Italian beach and shout similar platitudes to the waves, a spokesman said.

The spokesman said: “The Prime Minister will attempt to sway the course of a non-negotiable event by shouting soundbites like “Brexit means Brexit” into the air.

“And she will try the same shit on the Adriatic.

“As the Prime Minister has said on many occasions, ‘We are leaving the EU but not Europe.’ The EU hasn’t listened, so now the waves have to hear it.

“There is some hope that she can dissuade the tide from sweeping her out to sea but more importantly that it won’t heckle her, which would be worse.”

The Adriatic Sea said: “I think she’s going to be out of her depth.”

Man who acts like Prince Philip has no friends

A man who thought it would be okay to be rude to everyone like Prince Philip is has realised that no one likes him.

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Ray Doyle was inspired by the popularity of the Duke of Edinburgh to make insensitive remarks to everyone he meets and does not understand why he has no friends and also faces disciplinary action at work.

Mr Doyle said: “I was introduced to a new recruit at work the other day and I said: ‘Are you descended from a pirate?’

“Not even a chuckle. Just a palpable silence descending on the whole office. Then she walked off.

“I pointed out later that the pirate line was actually one of the Prince’s, printed in a newspaper souvenir edition about how great he is. She shrugged and said: ‘He’s racist.’

“Quick as a flash I thought of one that isn’t racist and fired back: ‘Do you work in a strip club?’

More silence, so I added: ‘You are a woman, aren’t you?’

“Then I was led away.”

Mr Doyle’s manager Will Bodie said: “Ray’s a hard worker but I think it’s time he retired from official duties.”

We’re taking back control of your borders too, right-wing papers tell EU

British citizens have the right to pass freely and without hindrance wherever they want, irrespective of the freedoms they permit others, right-wing newspapers have reminded the EU.

Daily Mail August 2 2017

We may not want you here but don’t you dare forget the entitlement of British holidaymakers to the world, the Daily Mail and Express said.

Borders should be thought of as doors to which the British alone hold the key, even those separating other countries, the papers clarified.

The Mail told the EU: “Britons unlock them, walk through and then shut them firmly in your foreign face. That is how borders work, including yours.”

Daily Express August 2 2017

The Express said: “Basically, you all stay exactly where you are, wherever that is, while we use all the doors.

“And don’t touch the doors. They’re British doors. We don’t want foreign muck on them.”