Theresa May to say soundbites to the sea

Theresa May will deliver a series of stock phrases to the sea in the hope of halting the encroaching tide, Downing Street has announced.

Incoming_tide_Mappleton_sands_(north)_-_geograph

After delivering a speech in Florence aimed at kickstarting deadlocked Brexit negotiations, the Prime Minister will travel to an Italian beach and shout similar platitudes to the waves, a spokesman said.

The spokesman said: “The Prime Minister will attempt to sway the course of a non-negotiable event by shouting soundbites like “Brexit means Brexit” into the air.

“And she will try the same shit on the Adriatic.

“As the Prime Minister has said on many occasions, ‘We are leaving the EU but not Europe.’ The EU hasn’t listened, so now the waves have to hear it.

“There is some hope that she can dissuade the tide from sweeping her out to sea but more importantly that it won’t heckle her, which would be worse.”

The Adriatic Sea said: “I think she’s going to be out of her depth.”

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Man who acts like Prince Philip has no friends

A man who thought it would be okay to be rude to everyone like Prince Philip is has realised that no one likes him.

sad man

Ray Doyle was inspired by the popularity of the Prince to make insensitive remarks to everyone he meets and does not understand why he has no friends and also faces disciplinary action at work.

Mr Doyle said: “I was introduced to a new recruit at work the other day and I said: ‘Are you descended from a pirate?’

“Not even a chuckle. Just a palpable silence descending on the whole office. Then she walked off.

“I pointed out later that the pirate line was actually one of the Prince’s, printed in a newspaper souvenir edition about how great he is. She shrugged and said: ‘He’s racist.’

“Quick as a flash I thought of one that isn’t racist and fired back: ‘Do you work in a strip club?’

More silence, so I added: ‘You are a woman, aren’t you?’

“Then I was led away.”

Mr Doyle’s manager Will Bodie said: “Ray’s a hard worker but I think it’s time he retired from official duties.”

We’re taking back control of your borders too, right-wing papers tell EU

British citizens have the right to pass freely and without hindrance wherever they want, irrespective of the freedoms they permit others, right-wing newspapers have reminded the EU.

Daily Mail August 2 2017

We may not want you here but don’t you dare forget the entitlement of British holidaymakers to the world, the Daily Mail and Express said.

Borders should be thought of as doors to which the British alone hold the key, even those separating other countries, the papers clarified.

The Mail told the EU: “Britons unlock them, walk through and then shut them firmly in your foreign face. That is how borders work, including yours.”

Daily Express August 2 2017

The Express said: “Basically, you all stay exactly where you are, wherever that is, while we use all the doors.

“And don’t touch the doors. They’re British doors. We don’t want foreign muck on them.”

‘Actually, perhaps we do need experts,’ say Ministers

People who know about things because they have spent time finding out may in fact be useful, Government Ministers have concluded.

Amber Rudd and Michael Gove

A year after Micheal Gove said Britain had “had enough of experts” and should vote Brexit regardless, Home Secretary Amber Rudd has asked experts at the Migration Advisory Committee to find out what Brexit means.

The MAC will now assess the contribution of EU citizens to Britain to establish what it is that Ms Rudd’s Cabinet colleague got the country to do by telling it to ignore “organisations with acronyms”.

Announcing the study, Ms Rudd said: “Yes, experts can be stuffy and boring and sometimes they say annoying things we just can’t understand like ‘Britain shouldn’t leave the EU.’

“But what we’ve come to realise is that they don’t just make this stuff up as they go along, whereas Michael patently does.”

Mr Gove said: “Cheese is a kind of ham.”

Fossil fuel-powered cars to be banned when fossil fuels run out

Cars that use fossil fuel will be banned from the roads when they stop working because it has all run out, the Government is expected to announce.

Petrol_pump_mp3h0355

In a move to stop people thinking about chlorinated chickens, Environment Secretary Micheal Gove will propose not simply leaving the cars in the road where they finally splutter to a halt.

And manufacturers will be required to start selling different sorts of cars that can still move without being pushed.

A Government spokesman said: “Poor air quality is the biggest environmental risk to public health so the last thing we want is people breathing in more of that filth because they are pushing their cars.

“That is why we will say to people, ‘Stop that, it’s not working, do something else, don’t leave your car there,’ and to manufacturers, ‘Make cars that work on something else now. We have some cheap chicken if that’s any help.’”

Prof Brian Cox, an automotive industry expert at Aston Martin University, said: “The timescale involved here is sufficiently long-term for the proposals to be of no real consequence, so yeah, all right, whatever. We’ll all ride chickens or something.”

Who is going to pay to end austerity? says woman in £1,000 trousers

A woman wearing a pair of leather trousers that cost £1,000 has explained to Britain the importance of living within its means.

TM_01
“Look at me, living within my means. Fuck’s wrong with you?”

Theresa May, whose husband is senior executive at a $1.4 trillion investment fund, has explained that literally no one in the country has the money to pay nurses more and so it would require borrowing instead.

Mrs May, also wearing a £500 cashmere sweater, told Britain: “Do you want to go bankrupt? Do you?

“Because it’s all very well saying things like ‘Five pairs of my trousers would have paid for safe cladding at Grenfell’ – but then who would have paid for the five pairs of trousers?

“There’s isn’t a magic £1,000 leather trouser tree, you know.”

Mrs May, who spent £1 billion of the country’s money in order to retain control of it, added: “So we’d have to increase the deficit, like Greece, and there would be no jobs or nurses at all, and I would still have my leather trousers.”

Former prime minister David Cameron, architect of austerity and personally worth £40 million, waded in to tell the country: “You selfish bastards.”

David Cameron eats money
“Food banks? Why don’t they just eat money?”

Concern over whereabouts of anyone who voted for this

A major nationwide police search is underway for anyone who voted for this.

Theresa May Arlene Foster

The alarm was raised after it emerged that someone to vote for this was last captured on CCTV nowhere ever.

Supt Ray Doyle, leading the investigation, said: “What we do have on CCTV – well, TV actually – is Tories saying ‘No one wants another election.’ A lot.

“We’re very interested in speaking to this ‘no one’ because he or she sounds like the exact same person that may have voted for a minority Tory government propped up by creationist homophobes at a cost of £1 billion.

“There’s also a possible matter of identity theft, since we have evidence that it is in fact ‘everyone’ who wants another election.”

Everyone confirmed: “Yes, it’s me that wants another election.”

Speaking exclusively to Swan Bake, no one said: “It was me who voted for this bullshit.”