Daily Express adopts standard front page to ‘streamline’ hate campaign

September 29, 2016

The Daily Express is to print the same front page every day to ‘streamline’ its campaign to spread race hate, fear of illness and concern over weather.

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“I’m an arse nugget.” “Really? Me too.”

Proprietor Richard Desmond believes exact repetition will strengthen the message after noting that shouting the same instruction enough times at anything led to eventual compliance.

Desmond – universally acknowledged as the worst person alive or dead – is understood to have told newspaper staff: “What do you say when you want a dog to sit? Do you say ‘Take a seat. Pull up a chair. Rest your weary legs’?

“No. You say ‘Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit you fucker!’

“‘SIIIIIT!'”

A senior staff member told Swan Bake: “Someone suggested that people might stop buying the paper if it looked exactly the same as yesterday’s and Desmond pointed out the front page had only varied by 1% in 14 years.

“And when someone asked ‘What about events?’ Desmond remind us of his memo instructing us to ignore them in 2003.

“He had an answer for everything. And when he didn’t he shouted ‘Shut up!’ over and over again in people’s faces until they did.”

Asked what the new standard front page would say, our source said: “Just look at today’s. Or yesterday’s.”

Boris Johnson offends in Ankara by mentioning his ‘clearly defective Turkish hairdryer’

September 28, 2016

Boris Johnson has derailed any possible trade deal with Ankara by saying the “clearly malfunctioning” machine he uses to style his hair was made in Turkey.

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Boris Johnson, after styling his hair using his Turkish washing machine

On his first official trip to Turkey since becoming Foreign Secretary, Mr Johnson told a press conference: “I’m sorry about my hair. I have a hairdryer made in Turkey which, as you can see, is broken.

“I’m here for a refund. It makes me look like a dick.”

Demonstrating to an irritated press pack, Johnson held the hairdryer the wrong way round, so that it sucked his hair into the back, causing the device to overheat and the room to fill with smoke.

Turkish EU Affairs Minister Omer Celik said: “I think he gave himself an electric shock, because his eyeballs rolled back in their sockets and he started shaking, like he was having some kind of seizure.

“Then a fuse in the building blew and all the lights went out.

“The man’s a towering arse.”

Introducing the Foreign Secretary, Mr Celik had said: “He campaigned for Britain to do something that he himself didn’t want to happen, and now in revenge Britain’s prime minister has sent him here to help do it – Boris Johnson.”

Labour reveals bold plan to lose next election

September 27, 2016

Socialism will return to the centre of British politics and the excesses of capitalism will end under Labour plans that are never going to happen.

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Shadow chancellor John McDonnell: less likely to become the actual chancellor than Ronald McDonald

More industry intervention, looser trade union rules and a basic universal income are among the party’s plans to ensure it loses the next general election.

Shadow chancellor John McDonnell won a standing ovation by telling conference delegates: “It’s called socialism and we don’t have to whisper it anymore. We don’t even have to say it anymore. We don’t have to say anything anymore.

“We can take the next four years off. Or we can get it tattooed across both arse cheeks and moonie at the right-wing electorate.

“That’s the beauty of giving up on winning and chasing ideals instead.”

Labour activist Christine Cagney said: “No more New Labour compromises just to get in power. Now we can have what we want.

“Well, we can’t but, you know. We can pretend.”

Donald Trump Jr revealed to have moral fibre of a Skittle

September 21, 2016

Donald Trump’s son shares the sense of social responsibility of a fruit-flavoured confectionery product, tests have shown.

Researchers measured Donald Trump Jr’s brain activity in response to images of human suffering and found it to be consistently equal to or less than that of a Skittle.

Lead researcher Professor George Cowley said: “Obviously, the question we had to ask ourselves was ‘Where do we put the electrodes? Where do we decide the brain is?’ We had the same problem when it came to the Skittle.

“At one point the electrodes from the two subjects crossed and moral fibre was sucked from the Skittle into Mr Trump’s brain, which is a vacuum of character, as well as just a vacuum.

“As a result the Skittle became malevolent, and then we dropped it into a bowl of other Skittles which through error was offered to Mr Trump.

“He said ‘But isn’t there one in there that wants to kill me?’ and we said ‘No, you fucking idiot. They’re sweets. They have no human attributes whatsoever.’”

Melania Trump takes news of husband’s health badly

September 17, 2016

Donald Trump’s doctor has spoken out about having to deliver the difficult news to the billionaire’s supermodel wife that her husband is healthy.

Melania Trump
Melania Trump: “He’s what?”

The Republican candidate’s physician said he informed Melania Trump of his report’s findings during a telephone conversation, to be told: “Are you sure? Check again.”

Recounting the exchange, Dr Octopus said: “I asked if she was sitting down.

“Then I said ‘It’s your husband. He’s in excellent health.’

“She said ‘What? No! It’s not possible. I saw him this morning. He’s like an unset jelly.’

“She became agitated and made me go through the report blow-by-blow, and then said ‘Hair! Can you die of bad hair?’

“I said I didn’t think so and she said ‘It’s really bad though. What if your hands are too small to fix it?’

“Before I could answer she shouted ‘Bone spurs! He has bone spurs!’

“I said, ‘Mrs Trump, if bone spurs could kill he still wouldn’t die from it because he made that up to avoid conscription. The fact is he may out-live you.’

“There were several seconds of silence and then she whispered ‘This wasn’t the deal, God.’”

Nigel Farage clears wedding with best man speech

September 15, 2016

Nigel Farage’s suitability for public speaking has been called into question after he cleared a wedding reception hall with a best man speech.

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Nigel Farage: “I’m declaring war on diplomacy. Aha!”

Farage was delivering the speech at the Brexit-themed wedding of UKIP voter Ray Doyle, who had contacted the plain-speaking imbecile to ask that he be best man.

But addressing the assembled guests, the former UKIP leader said: “This joining is a declaration of war on the institution of marriage.

“I know none of you has ever honoured a single commitment to anything in your life.

“If you can imagine marriage as a sort of scared cow, this room is that cow’s anus.

“I’ll give you £350 million to call it off.”

After the last of the 300 guests had joined the bride and groom in walking out, Farage admitted the speech may have been “mildly irresponsible” but added: “Look, lots of promises are made in marriages.

“That’s why words don’t matter.”

Mr Doyle said: “He’s unorthodox but boy does he get results.

“He emptied the place like a fire alarm.”

David Cameron’s next project to be not completely fucking everything up

September 14, 2016

David Cameron’s main priority after leaving parliament will be to not make a total balls-up of something else, he has confirmed.

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Optical illusion: it looks like ham but it’s actually a man’s face

The former premier intends to try his hand at doing something without leaving everybody affected thinking it would be better if he’d never been born, he said.

Mr Cameron said: “I’ve been prime minister for six years – now I need to build some kind of legacy to look back on.

“I’m going to find my calling even if it means taking a massive gamble which risks that very ambition, at the additional cost of unprecedented economic turmoil and widespread xenophobia.

“No, wait. I’m not going to do that.”

Mr Cameron’s initial attempts to find a new project are rumoured to have been hampered by his CV, which lists his key achievements as ‘tax minimisation’ and ‘wearing a proper suit’.

A source told Swan Bake: “Under ‘Hobbies’ it just says ‘Pigs’.”