The Daily Express is to print the same front page every day to ‘streamline’ its campaign to spread race hate, fear of illness and concern over weather.
Proprietor Richard Desmond believes exact repetition will strengthen the message after noting that shouting the same instruction enough times at anything led to eventual compliance.
Desmond – universally acknowledged as the worst person alive or dead – is understood to have told newspaper staff: “What do you say when you want a dog to sit? Do you say ‘Take a seat. Pull up a chair. Rest your weary legs’?
“No. You say ‘Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit you fucker!’
A senior staff member told Swan Bake: “Someone suggested that people might stop buying the paper if it looked exactly the same as yesterday’s and Desmond pointed out the front page had only varied by 1% in 14 years.
“And when someone asked ‘What about events?’ Desmond remind us of his memo instructing us to ignore them in 2003.
“He had an answer for everything. And when he didn’t he shouted ‘Shut up!’ over and over again in people’s faces until they did.”
Asked what the new standard front page would say, our source said: “Just look at today’s. Or yesterday’s.”
Boris Johnson has derailed any possible trade deal with Ankara by saying the “clearly malfunctioning” machine he uses to style his hair was made in Turkey.
On his first official trip to Turkey since becoming Foreign Secretary, Mr Johnson told a press conference: “I’m sorry about my hair. I have a hairdryer made in Turkey which, as you can see, is broken.
“I’m here for a refund. It makes me look like a dick.”
Demonstrating to an irritated press pack, Johnson held the hairdryer the wrong way round, so that it sucked his hair into the back, causing the device to overheat and the room to fill with smoke.
Turkish EU Affairs Minister Omer Celik said: “I think he gave himself an electric shock, because his eyeballs rolled back in their sockets and he started shaking, like he was having some kind of seizure.
“Then a fuse in the building blew and all the lights went out.
“The man’s a towering arse.”
Introducing the Foreign Secretary, Mr Celik had said: “He campaigned for Britain to do something that he himself didn’t want to happen, and now in revenge Britain’s prime minister has sent him here to help do it – Boris Johnson.”
Socialism will return to the centre of British politics and the excesses of capitalism will end under Labour plans that are never going to happen.
More industry intervention, looser trade union rules and a basic universal income are among the party’s plans to ensure it loses the next general election.
Shadow chancellor John McDonnell won a standing ovation by telling conference delegates: “It’s called socialism and we don’t have to whisper it anymore. We don’t even have to say it anymore. We don’t have to say anything anymore.
“We can take the next four years off. Or we can get it tattooed across both arse cheeks and moonie at the right-wing electorate.
“That’s the beauty of giving up on winning and chasing ideals instead.”
Labour activist Christine Cagney said: “No more New Labour compromises just to get in power. Now we can have what we want.
Researchers measured Donald Trump Jr’s brain activity in response to images of human suffering and found it to be consistently equal to or less than that of a Skittle.
Lead researcher Professor George Cowley said: “Obviously, the question we had to ask ourselves was ‘Where do we put the electrodes? Where do we decide the brain is?’ We had the same problem when it came to the Skittle.
“At one point the electrodes from the two subjects crossed and moral fibre was sucked from the Skittle into Mr Trump’s brain, which is a vacuum of character, as well as just a vacuum.
“As a result the Skittle became malevolent, and then we dropped it into a bowl of other Skittles which through error was offered to Mr Trump.
“He said ‘But isn’t there one in there that wants to kill me?’ and we said ‘No, you fucking idiot. They’re sweets. They have no human attributes whatsoever.’”
Nigel Farage’s suitability for public speaking has been called into question after he cleared a wedding reception hall with a best man speech.
Farage was delivering the speech at the Brexit-themed wedding of UKIP voter Ray Doyle, who had contacted the plain-speaking imbecile to ask that he be best man.
But addressing the assembled guests, the former UKIP leader said: “This joining is a declaration of war on the institution of marriage.
“I know none of you has ever honoured a single commitment to anything in your life.
“If you can imagine marriage as a sort of scared cow, this room is that cow’s anus.
“I’ll give you £350 million to call it off.”
After the last of the 300 guests had joined the bride and groom in walking out, Farage admitted the speech may have been “mildly irresponsible” but added: “Look, lots of promises are made in marriages.
“That’s why words don’t matter.”
Mr Doyle said: “He’s unorthodox but boy does he get results.