June 29, 2013

Britain has told journalists not to expend any more energy investigating the ‘news’ that pop stars take drugs, as it knows now, thank you.

Reporters considering doing so should instead count the number of legs on a horse, file that as a page-lead and spend the rest of the day contemplating the value of human endeavor, the nation said.

Britain told them: “If you really need to print a picture of a pop star, just go ahead and do it anyway. Make the headline: ‘Horses have four legs – but Tulisa only has two.’

“Just please don’t spend a further second trying to tell us about pop stars taking or getting or being able to get or being pictured with drugs.

“Honestly mate, we fucking know.

“We do it too. So do you, for Christ’s sake.”