July 1, 2013

David Cameron has ordered an urgent inquiry into who the fuck Helen Flanagan is after finding it impossible to look at a paper without seeing her.

The premier said: “On Monday she got robbed. On Wednesday she split up with her boyfriend. On Saturday she had scratches on her tits.

“Who the fuck is she?

“I’ve got a deputy PM here who couldn’t get in the papers if he grew a helicopter out of his arse and flew to Wapping.

“Yet this woman makes headlines literally by having itchy tits.

“The first thing we need to do is establish who the fuck she is. Then we need her to fuck off.”

Miss Flanagan will now be called to explain who the fuck she is to the Commons Culture, Media and Sport committee.

Fans expressed concern about the potential effect on her mental state of a panel of MPs repeatedly bellowing “Who the fuck are you?” followed by “Fuck off” at her.

One tweeted: ‘LMFAO #itchytitsboohoo.’

Miss Flanagan said: “Who the fuck is David Cameron?”

The committee is expected to make its recommendation that she fucks off this autumn.