June 25, 2013

George Osborne spent days with a five-inch Margaret Thatcher figurine stuck up his anus, it emerged today.

Sources close to the Chancellor said that was why he cried like a monstrous posh baby at Baroness Thatcher’s funeral.

A source said: “He wasn’t mourning. He was in so much pain he didn’t know where he was. He looked like that until he finally waddled to A&E three days later.”

A source at St Helen Flanagan’s Hospital said: “He came in mumbling some story about getting stuck outside Number 11. He said he’d just bought a Baroness Thatcher figurine when he realised he’d lost his keys. So he put his shopping bag down and climbed up to an open window, but then fell on the bag.

“It’s bullshit because there was also a figurine of Richard Littlejohn up there. God knows how it really happened.

“We all know how it really happened.”

A source at Number 11 said: “He’s got loads of those Thatcher figurines. He collects them. Who would have thought he put them up his arse?

“We all thought he put them up his arse.”