July 4, 2013

Lord Alan Sugar has wasted his life in the meaningless pursuit of wealth for its own sake, he finally admitted today.

Despite maintaining an air of lofty grandeur, he will be remembered for crappy electrical equipment, insatiable greed and a boardroom full of bickering twats, he acknowledged.

The business magnate confirmed being rich had not brought happiness and in fact was the reason he was such a notoriously miserable cunt.

“Every day is the same,” he said. “It’s always profits, sales, margins.

“All I want to do is dance. Or paint. One or the other. Or be an astronaut.

“Anything really, except spend another second of my life engaged in the profoundly futile exercise it has been thus far.”

He said he felt trapped in a meritless corporate hell of his own making where every week bullying TV executives forced him to declare “You’re fired” when he really wanted to say “Hug me”.