June 30, 2013

George Osborne will be financially okay whatever happens to the economy, he has confirmed.

With a massive inherited fortune, he finds the resolve to persevere with his austerity policy by asking just how badly things can possibly go, he said.

He compared being Chancellor of the Exchequer to “flying a passenger jet around in circles until it runs out fuel, while wearing the only parachute”.

He said: “Everyone’s like ‘Land the plane now George, land the plane,’ and I’m like ‘Britain is moving out of intensive care and from rescue to recovery.’ It’s hilarious.

“They’re like, ‘The fuel’s about to run out. What’s your plan B?’

“And I’m like, ‘Plan B? There is no plan B. I’ve got a trust fund. What’s your plan B? We’re all in this together. I want to help people who’ve got their own plan B.’

“And then the papers are like, ‘See? He’s trying to fucking help you. It’s all these fucks without a plan B that are fucking the shit up.’

“And everyone’s like ‘Oh yeah.’

“I’ve got a £1million bet with Boris that I can spin this out for another term. Then I’m going to retire and wallpaper my house with £50 notes, which will be worth nothing.”