July 3, 2013

Every black person in the country will get a bollocking under police plans announced today.

The estimated five per cent to not already have been stopped and bollocked should expect to be on the receiving end of a massive shit storm within weeks, according to Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howhard.

The initiative aimed to address claims that black people had been targetted disproportionately, he said.

“We want to ensure black people are not singled-out,” said Sir Bernard. “So we’re going to bollock all of them.

“We think there’s probably about five per cent we haven’t done yet. There’s some, anyway. I expect.

“Unfortunately, due to similarities of a facial nature, the only way to ascertain whether a black person has already been bollocked is by stopping and searching them,” he added. “And then bollocking them.”

As a result, officers would continue to bollock every black person they stumbled across, he clarified.

Sir Bernard wants the bollocking of the black community complete before the end of a six-week public consultation on whether it’s okay for police to be racist, launched on Tuesday by Home Secretary Theresa May.

“Then we’ll start again,” he chuckled.