Thousands to die of euphoria as Britain heats up

Thousands of Britons will die of euphoria as the weather warms up this week, emergency services predict.

People jumping because a photographer has asked them to
People jumping because a photographer has asked them to

The realisation that the sun is set to shine for a little while will unleash a torrent of endorphins so powerful that many will run into the sea to find out if they are immortal, experts conclude.

Thousands more are at risk of putting themselves on the barbecue out of curiosity, according to London Ambulance Service chief officer Gok Wan.

Wan said: “Much of the UK is going to look like a portal to Hell has been opened and the damned given a few hours of freedom before being cast back into eternal fire.

“Women will perform endless cartwheels. Men will run around in circles shouting, probably with a hard-on.

“It’s going to be fucked up.”

He said the ambulance crew was going to Scotland, where blizzards were forecast and most people would still be profoundly unhappy.

He urged those planning to enjoy the weather to remember it would be shit in a few days.

“Hold in your mind the thought that life is a brief journey toward the icy grip of death,” he added.

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