July 2, 2013

All plants and animals on Earth will die much sooner than previously expected, a new study has established beyond a shred of doubt.

Ironically, the end of the world will not be caused by greenhouses gases but by too much cycling, the study proves.

And in a surprisinging twist, it will not happen in a billion years but this afternoon, all scientists agree.

It had been thought Jeremy Clarkson would bring about the eventual destruction of all life on Earth and that cyclists were sort of selfless shining knights arrived to save us from his marauding unbridled self-interest.

But the study, which looked at how things happen, concluded: ‘Yeah no, it’s cyclists. Definitely cyclists. Especially the ones who ride “fixies”. And those fucking G-Wiz cars, obviously.

‘The only thing Clarkson is going to end is his day as a blackened husk, like the rest of us.’

Researchers saw no point commenting since nothing that could be reported would prevent the planet becoming inhospitable to life by around 5pm.

Astrobiologist Alex Reid said: “Aaaagh! Aaaagh! Waaagh!”

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson was spending the remaining hours masturbating as many times as possible. He said: “Wait. Hmmmphsweetjesus. Right, what is it? Hurry up.”

A London Cycling Campaign spokesman said: “Riding a bike keeps you fit, saves money and helps the environment. To die.”