July 12, 2013

Humans will progress directly from being babies to adults under Government plans to abolish children.

Adulthood will officially begin at the age of two in an initiative aimed at improving England’s international academic performance ranking.

Education Secretary Michael Gove said that when top performer Finland asked sardonically how English children were doing, he would be able to fire back: “What children?”

“It’s perfect,” he said. “When they ask where they went, I’ll say they became adults. They’ll say, ‘But what about the children?’ and I’ll say, ‘I’ve told you, there aren’t any.’

“And so on until they get intimidated by my pathological self-confidence and shut the fuck up.”

Professor of child development Alex Reid said: “These measures will place enormous pressure on children.”

Gove said: “There aren’t any.”