July 23, 2013

The Duchess of Cambridge was never pregnant and made the whole thing up as a lark, she informed a disappointed press pack today.

Emerging from St Helen Flanagan’s Hospital, Kate Middleton whipped a cushion from her jumper and hurled it into the press camp with a derisive snort.

Photographers jostled to get a shot of the soft furnishing before one said: “Wait a minute.”

The Duchess said: “The papers kept saying ‘Is she pregnant yet? When’s she going to have a Royal baby?’ Every shitting day.

“So one morning I said to William, ‘I am pregnant, you know.’ He said ‘Really?’ and I said ‘No’. And we pissed ourselves.

“Then I said, ‘You know who would find that joke funny? The press and public.’

“He said ‘Really?’ and I said ‘No’ and he pissed himself again.

“That’s how conversations tend to go with William. He’s a fucking idiot. But at least he knows when to shut up about Royal babies.

“So here it is. It’s called Laura. Laura Ashley.

“Don’t write that down. It’s a fucking cushion.”