Scotland has told England to spend more time with its own friends because the relationship is moving too fast following Andy Murray’s Wimbledon victory.

A close friend of Scotland said: “Usually all it gets from England is ‘You want to break up? All right then. Fuck off. Don’t take anything of mine.’

“But since Wimbledon, England has been on the phone every night, saying: ‘Ooh, we’ve got so much in common. We’re both British, right? When are we going to see each other again? Wear the tennis outfit.’

“Scotland feels crowded and a little bit sick.”

A close friend of England said: “It’s embarrassing. First it checked Scotland’s genealogy to see if there was some English in there. Now it keeps phoning and asking if it wants any.”