March 1, 2016

Donald Trump has called for an immediate cessation of all events until he can “figure out what the hell is going on” with his hair.

The US presidential hopeful said his hairs were using the occurrence of things to radicalise his other hairs and that they were better at it than he was at working out what the hell to do about it.

Speaking at the same rally where he called for the world to be closed until he could work out what was wrong with his face, he said: “We need to speak to Brian Cox and a lot of other people who understand things happening and maybe look at closing down things happening, until we can figure out how to stop this thing on my head from happening.

“Because it is out of control,” he went on. “And we can’t even tell where the hell it’s growing from.

“And I’m telling you folks, it’s going to get worse and worse. Worse and worse.

“Like my face.”

Professor Brian Cox said: “Hair is made of the same organic building blocks as teeth, so we need to pull out his teeth, using keyhole surgery to go through his tiny puckered mouth.”