December 3, 2013

Everyone is really annoying, a study has found.

Researchers spent a month as live-in observers in hundreds of homes across the country and concluded 100% of subjects were a pain in the arse.

Professor Neville Slacks, who led the research for Middlesex University, said: “We’d expected to find that about 40% of people were annoying and the rest were basically okay. What we actually found was that 100% were annoying and 10% also stank.

“One in four told never-ending self-agrandising stories while ignoring anything anyone else said.

“Twenty-five per cent never stopped telling our researchers how wrong they were about everything.

“A quarter constantly made shit jokes.

“We were supposed spend six months with them but gave up after one because they were without exception complete throbbers.”

Sharon Bansaw, a 31-year-old sales executive from Bristol, said: “I don’t find anyone annoying and I’ve never annoyed anyone else. There’s beauty in everyone. I’m very spiritual. I had a dream that came true once. That’s a vision. I’m psychic.”