April 16, 2016

Mark Zuckerberg says he’s “just about had it” with the internet and plans to turn it off at 3pm today.

The curly-haired monstrosity says what started as fun has been ruined by capitalist greed and monopolies, and he wishes he’d done something else like be a driving instructor.

He said: “When I first switched the internet on, in my bedroom, I thought I was connecting people. But now it’s all shit click-bait and videos that promise tits but make you watch a 30-second ad for Microsoft Cloud. Just fuck off.

“It’s killed journalism and the arts and replaced them with social media lynch mobs and 35 creepy pictures from history which you can’t help clicking through, hating yourself for never learning they’re all shit. ‘Watch this video about making money before it’s banned.’ Banned? Have you ever seen the shit that isn’t banned?

“People say you can find out anything in a few seconds on Google. What’s wrong with a library? You never reach for a book and find it’s turned into an ad for supermodel eyebrows.

“Is that shit personalised?

“When was the last time you went to a library and found you couldn’t get through the door because someone had filled every square inch of it with breast augmentation ads? And put sex pictures in the kids’ section?”

Ironically, despite being a ‘social’ media entrepreneur, 15-year-old Zuckerberg acknowledged he had given people the best excuse ever not to talk, destroyed their work/life balance and created the world’s most powerful tool for bullying.

“I’m a colossal attention-seeking twat,” he added.