April 21, 2016

People who drink three alcoholic beverages a day increase their risk of being frequently tipsy, doctors say.

Consuming five alcoholic drinks a day raises the chances of regularly being more drunker while 20 or more can cause perpetual shitfacedness, according to a study linking drinking and drunkenness for the first time.

Consuming alcohol causes around 80,000 cases of rat-arsery a day and is thought to be more common in people who go to the pub, the study says.

Doctor Jim James, who led the research at the University of Canvey, said: “We’ve known for a long time that people tend to leave pubs in a state of advanced inebriation but it could have been the nuts. We now think it’s not the nuts, after reading somewhere that squirrels eat those too.

“These findings will hopefully lead people to better understand what causes them to wake up in the bushes on a roundabout with a pair of unfamiliar underpants in their pocket.”

Pub landlord Bob Robert said: “Honestly. Fucking doctors. On and on and on, giving it all that. Jibber jabber jibber. Next they’ll be saying people shouldn’t eat only bacon.

“Why can’t I just do whatever I want in the expectation they will find a cure?”