May 18, 2016

David Cameron has been caught with a Men in Black-style neuralyser capable erasing memories of behaviour that ought to place him beyond redemption as leader.

Removal of the device’s batteries by specially trained police today led the country to recall how he owes his privilege and status to tax-avoidance and once fucked a dead pig.

The neuralyser was seized this morning after the PM waved it in the faces of police investigating claims of election fraud by the Tories. It’s understood to have flashed repeatedly in Mr Cameron’s face during a struggle with officers, causing him to forget to constantly bullshit.

A witness told Swan Bake: “He started yelling things like ‘Unhand me you wretched oiks, I have wealth beyond your imagination and I rule because it is my right.’

“It was as though the device had absolutely no effect on him.”