June 1, 2016

Everyone will die if Britain stays in the EU and also if we leave, according to claims from each side of the referendum debate.

Life is a brief wait for an appointment with the Reaper and he doesn’t really care about national sovereignty or borders or even what the EU is, both In and Out campaigners have conceded.

The revelation followed a day of claim and counter claim which saw both sides arguing that a vote for the other would mean death for all and ended in everyone agreeing and going home scared and confused.

Polls this morning show the number of undecided voters has soared overnight as people turn their attention to more existential questions like what’s the point of anything.

Analysts blame campaigners for focussing on scare tactics instead of rational debate, leaving everyone too shit-scared to care anymore, including themselves.

Undecided voter Gene Hunt, of Huntingdon, said: “A vote for the other side means death. That’s easy, right? Except, oh, wait, death’s happening whatever you do. Fuck’s sake. EU? Who gives a shit? When’s the referendum on not dying?”