June 15, 2016

Britons grateful for being told to vote Brexit by The Sun newspaper are now demanding answers to more basic questions like what to wear today.

Millions are this morning understood to be sitting at home in their underpants feeling paralysed by uncertainty because the front page of The Sun offers no sartorial instruction.

Matthew McConaughey, a quantity surveyor from Reading, said: “Something had been hurting my brain for a while and all the pain flooded away when The Sun told me what to think about Brexit. It was then that I realised: I hate thinking. Now I don’t have to. I’ll just look at The Sun.

“But this morning I’ve poured over every inch of the front page and nowhere does it say whether I should wear the red socks or the blue ones. Should I even get dressed?”

Shirley Bassey, a retail manager from Stockton-on-Tees, said: “I bought The Sun today wondering whether I should tell my sister I don’t like her new haircut. It doesn’t say a fucking word about it.

“In fact the whole paper contains no guidance whatsoever on any of my most basic life choices. What am I supposed to do? Without a grizzled Australian billionaire to dictate the matter in accordance with his own interests, I don’t know whether to go to work today or fart through a hoop.”