June 25, 2016

Fifty-two per cent of people are more stupid than anyone could have imagined, ground-breaking new research has shown.

In the biggest ever study of its kind, everyone in the country was asked if they wanted to do something very stupid and not told they were taking part in an experiment.

Dr Alex Reid, head of moronology at the University of Basildon, said: “We wanted to build the first clear picture of what proportion of the population are profound idiots, so we made the thing really very stupid.

“We got these sort of clowns to be the main proponents for it, one dressed like Alan Partridge and one with his hair back to front.

“To make it absolutely clear it was a stupid choice, we also got the country’s most repugnant and intolerant individuals, organisations and media to back it. I mean the big guns: Katie Hopkins.

“We made sure all the arguments for it were based on xenophobia and lies, and then we got experts – with hair the right way round – to actually tell everyone it was all lies, again and again.

“What really surprised us was the number of people who not only ignored this but made up their own incredibly stupid reasons for doing the stupid thing. It’s as if stupidity exerts a kind of gravitational pull on them so powerful that reasoning with them is like parachuting with a napkin.”

Dr Reid said the proportion of profoundly stupid people had proved so high that there was now an unexpected problem of how to get the country out of actually doing the really stupid thing.

“We may have to hold a second referendum on whether to stick a fork in a power socket,” he said.