June 26, 2016

Boris Johnson has been spotted at Glastonbury festival where he is understood to have gone to escape the atmosphere of division and dread pervading the country.

The former London Mayor and rampant political opportunist had turned his hair the right way round to blend in but was tracked down and confronted by Swan Bake crying to Adele’s Hello from the other side.

Walking moral vacuum Johnson said he “just needed to be somewhere a bit more united” adding: “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was going to be the plucky hero who gave it his all to save the country but was beaten by the damned establishment and lefties and the pesky foreign votes in London.

“That’s how I get to Number 10 – as the gallant loser. Of course I can’t actually save the country. Not now it’s all fucked, anyway.

“I’m the likeable buffoon. Remember? What do you think this hair is about? Do you think it naturally falls as if I’m standing backward in a wind tunnel? No. I do this to it every day. So take a fucking clue.”

The Brexit campaign figurehead is thought to have gravitated towards Adele’s audience so his weeping would be less conspicuous. “Is there music on?” he said.