June 28, 2016

England has been washed out to sea in a bizarre episode which experts are blaming on a combination of terrible decision-making and general cock-womblism.

Swathes of the population are said to have walked in voluntarily to find out what would happen while the rest fell in through a lack of basic competence.

Millions are believed to have approached the sea out of curiosity only to find they didn’t know how to turn around.

Experts believe the behaviour explains England’s inability to make sane political decisions or do anything skilful like football, and say they’re surprised the whole country didn’t drown years ago.

The entire town of Southend-on-Sea is understood to have vanished in minutes after a panicked crowd accidentally stampeded into the Thames estuary instead of away from it.

The town of Grimsby was attempting to retrieve a paper bag blowing in the wind when it accidentally chased it into the Humber.

Many to walk in are insisting they’ve done the right thing and shouting ‘Project fear!’ at lifeboats while treading water in the North Sea. Others have said they didn’t know what the sea was.