July 6, 2016

Tory leadership hopefuls Theresa May, Michael Gove and Andrea Leadsom have been beaten in the first round of voting by an enormous venomous tarantula.

Many Tory MPs believe none of the other candidates will do as well at showing the party’s caring side as the tarantula, which fires stinging hairs to incapacitate enemies before eating them alive.

Former chancellor Ken Clarke said: “Michael Gove has the charisma, glamour and murderous intent of a tarantula. Andrea Leadsom has the compassion and integrity of a tarantula. Theresa May has the diplomacy of a tarantula.

“So I think many MPs think let’s just have a tarantula.

“It’s got a fluffy exterior but regards anything weaker than it as something to be subdued and consumed, which is really where the party wants to go now.”

The tarantula is also expected to gain the backing of Ruport Murdoch and Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, who will stand on it.