Science at a loss to explain unpleasantness of politicians

July 10, 2016

Scientists cannot explain how so many politicians manage to be such monumentally horrible people, they have said.

Joffrey Baratheon, Game of Thrones
Joffrey Baratheon, minister for climate change

Advances in artificial intelligence mean it will soon be possible to download human consciousness into a robotic brain but just where politics is finding all the cunts remains a mystery.

Grinning science man Professor Brian Cox explained: “Look around you in any room. How many people do you see who would treat the future of the nation as something to be gambled for their personal advantage? How many with the pathological duplicity to lead a campaign even they themselves don’t believe is right, or admit the moment it’s too late that the campaign was a lie?

“How many have the megalomania, in the face of unified condemnation, to insist they would commit the same heinous crime again given another chance? How many are changing their opinions like an outfit to best match the opportunities of the day?

“How many are openly doing all they can to divide the room?

“None, because you are a normal person surrounded by other normal people, as opposed to a complete fucker.”

Professor Cock said the “big unanswerable question” was where politics was finding its seemingly inexhaustible supply of complete fuckers, calling it an “anomolous proliferation of cuntery”.

“Just as probability suggests there can’t be any more, another appears, spouting some randomly hateful shit about gay marriage ‘hurting’ Christians or parenthood somehow making you a better human,” he said. “It’s as though politics is a sort of hot spring of sewage, regularly spurting tall columns of steaming shit into the atmosphere.”

Professor Cox said one avenue of research was asking why so many of the fuckers attended a single school in Windsor, referred to by scientists as the Eton cunt farm.

 

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