July 15, 2016

Theresa May has achieved in 24 hours what many said would take until “the end of time itself” by removing Jeremy Corbyn as Labour leader on her first day as prime minister.

In a meeting at Number 10, Mr Corbyn was explaining that it would be “irresponsible to walk away from the mandate of the membership” when his speech faltered and stopped under Mrs May’s glare.

After several seconds of silence in which time seemed to stretch, Mrs May said: “Where’s your tool?”

An uncertain Mr Corbyn got as far as “Wha-” in the time it took Mrs May to produce an axe from a drawer, move around her desk in a blur, grapple the Labour leader into a headlock and press his nose against the sharp edge.

“Does the Labour membership give you the mandate to continue breathing?” she asked.

For a second time Mr Corbyn said “Wha-” before being interrupted, this time as Mrs May shouted “DOES IT?”

“N-no,” said Mr Corbyn.

“Who does?” demanded Mrs May.

A pause followed, after which Mr Corbyn said: “You?”

“And if you value that mandate, you will ensure that I never see your stupid little face on that front bench again,” said Mrs May. “Ever. Now get the fuck out of my sight before I change my mind and mandate this axe into your head.”

A wild-eyed Mr Corbyn was seen running from Number 10 with a deep cut to his nose, caused by Mrs May increasing the pressure of the axe with each word.

He’s understood to have soiled himself.