‘July 19, 2016

Boris Johnson thought the initials EU stood for ‘elasticated underpants’ and that’s why he’s been insisting Brexit in no sense means leaving Europe, it has emerged.

Instead he thought the phrase referred to Britain’s exit of elastic-waisted pants, a procedure he finds difficult having been stuck in the same constrictive pair for several years.

The misunderstanding emerged during a conversation with European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker, in which Mr Johnson suggested the rest of Europe hold a referendum on taking off its pants.

A witness said: “You know that moment when the US state department spokesman was told of Johnson’s appointment as Foreign Secretary, and his expression went from a giggle to slack with horror as he realised it wasn’t a joke? That. It was an extraordinary moment.”

It’s also come to light that Mr Johnson’s daily struggle to remove his pants is the reason his hair is always such a mess.