July 28, 2016

Vladimir Putin thinks Donald Trump is an enormous sack of crumbly white dog shit, he has confirmed.

Responding to speculation by the Republican nominee that he would like and respect him as US president, Putin said he would continue to see him as a giant talking pubic louse instead.

Putin said: “Why has someone drawn a small face on an enormous bleached testicle? Why do its pubes consist of a single endless strand wound infinitely back on itself?

“Why are the hands and penis connected to it so tiny? Do they belong to a mouse? Is it a balding white mouse with the testicle of a horse?

“How does it talk? Does it also have a horse’s arse? A bleached one? A bleached horse’s arse that shits words?

“Yes, I think this is what it is.”

Trump responded: “Well, you know, at some point, there is going to be a point at which, you know, there are people out there who, these people, the people-”

“Will someone put a lid on this bottle of fizzy dog shit?” said Putin.