August 5, 2016

David Cameron has accidentally risked bringing the honours system into repute by including the name of someone who deserves one in his list of best buddies.

The former prime minister chose names using the usual rigorous selection process of reprinting his birthday party invitation list, but overlooked the improbable inclusion of someone useful this year.

Charity-shop volunteer Jane Marple, who slipped through the net of nepotism as a ‘plus one’, said: “It’s very nice to get an OBE for ‘political service’ but at the same time I feel bad because it means Samantha’s Tory-leaning manicurist gets nothing.”

Prominent Tories are calling for a boycott of the honours system until it’s restored to a self-serving clusterfuck of rewards for political allies and chums in the Old Etonian tradition.

A senior Tory figure told Swan Bake: “What do you think this is? A fucking meritocracy?”