August 19, 2016

Theresa May has farted into a cupped hand and thrust it into the nation’s gullible face, and the nation has announced that it enjoyed it.

Puzzled by her own high approval rating in polls and wondering what she’d have to do to be unpopular, the Tory-right prime minister used her other hand to firmly grip the back of the nation’s head for several seconds before releasing it and asking, “What do you say?”

“Thank you,” said Britain.

Mrs May is now planning to ask the country what that mark on its shirt is and flick it on the nose when it looks down, over and over again until it’s confused and scared.

A senior Tory MP said: “It has the capacity for compassion of a praying mantis and moves like a creature sharing the exoskeletal bone structure of a praying mantis.

“What is it?

“You’re going to say ‘My favourite politician since Boris Johnson.’

“The unelected praying mantis is going to say, ‘That’s not even a thing,’ and slowly eat your head while you thank it for being a steady hand on the tiller.”