August 20, 2016

Private landlords are hard-working philanthropists who deserve the £9bn of taxpayers’ money they received last year, according to a man who’s always completely mistaken about everything.

Instead of reducing the housing benefit bill by investing more in social housing, the government should continue paying wealthy people to essentially do nothing, according to Alex Read, who also believes all staircases should be one-way, up or down.

“It definitely won’t worsen the housing crisis and cost us all more, any more than private landlords are all basically in it for themselves,” he said.

“I suppose you could argue that council houses shouldn’t be sold off cheaply in the first place, only for councils to end up buying or renting them back at full market price,” he added.

“But that would make you an Illuminati space lizard.”