September 2, 2016

Apple is set to launch the next iteration of Ireland after problems with the current version saw the firm hit with a €13 billion tax bill.

Ireland 2 is expected to be a sealed tax haven arranged solely to optimise profits of the tech giant, with any feature that could impede that outcome banished.

EU tax investigators will find they can’t change the system in any way and will have to wait for Ireland 3 for improvements.

Apple CEO Tim Cook said: “Everything in Ireland 2 will be shiny and pretty and much too expensive.

“Simple features that would make life easier for everyone and cost us pennies to include will be absent if they present even the slightest potential for hindrance to our enrichment.

“The standard three-pin plug and power socket, for example, will be replaced with a constantly changing cycle of incompatible cables and adapters, and ultimately wireless technology requiring everyone to buy new appliances, made by Apple.

“Taps will be replaced with ‘aqua transmitters’ so people have to buy new compatible mouths, shiny and made by Apple.

“Apples will be replaced with, well, Apple.

“Apple has always been about doing the right thing. For Apple.”