Sports Direct board to use workers’ representative as footstool

September 7, 2016

Sports Direct will put a workers’ representative on its board to address concerns over working practices and act as a substitute for items of furniture.

Helping workers to fuck right off at any point

The retailer says the move will “give workers a voice at the highest level” as well as solving the problem of the chair with the wobbly foot.

Sports Direct founder Mike Ashley said: “I think it’s a no-brainer to have someone acting as a vehicle for workers’ interests, as well an actual vehicle for me when I can’t be bothered to get up and walk around the desk.

“And the ‘Take a seat’ joke when I show people around the warehouse – that’s never going to get old.

Mr Ashley will select reps by throwing a dart blindfolded in the warehouse until it lands in someone deemed sufficiently servile.

Ray Doyle, the first to be selected, said: “I intend to ask the board whether this is genuinely about our interests, and if so why it’s happened just before a meeting with shareholders worried about ‘Victorian workhouse conditions’.

“I’ll spend the rest of the day looking for a new job.”

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