September 14, 2016

David Cameron’s main priority after leaving parliament will be to not make a total balls-up of something else, he has confirmed.

The former premier intends to try his hand at doing something without leaving everybody affected thinking it would be better if he’d never been born, he said.

Mr Cameron said: “I’ve been prime minister for six years – now I need to build some kind of legacy to look back on.

“I’m going to find my calling even if it means taking a massive gamble which risks that very ambition, at the additional cost of unprecedented economic turmoil and widespread xenophobia.

“No, wait. I’m not going to do that.”

Mr Cameron’s initial attempts to find a new project are rumoured to have been hampered by his CV, which lists his key achievements as ‘tax minimisation’ and ‘wearing a proper suit’.

A source told Swan Bake: “Under ‘Hobbies’ it just says ‘Pigs’.”