September 29, 2016

The Daily Express is to print the same front page every day to ‘streamline’ its campaign to spread race hate, fear of illness and concern over weather.

Proprietor Richard Desmond believes exact repetition will strengthen the message after noting that shouting the same instruction enough times at anything led to eventual compliance.

Desmond – universally recognised as the worst human alive or dead – is understood to have told newspaper staff: “What do you say when you want a dog to sit down? Do you say ‘Take a seat. Pull up a chair. Rest your weary legs’?

“No. You say ‘Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit you fucker!’

“‘SIIIIIT!'”

A senior staff member told Swan Bake: “Someone suggested that people might stop buying the paper if it looked exactly the same as yesterday’s and Desmond pointed out the front page had only varied by 1% in 14 years.

“And when someone asked ‘What about events?’ Desmond remind us of his memo instructing us to ignore them in 2003.

“He had an answer for everything. And when he didn’t he shouted ‘Shut up!’ over and over again in people’s faces until they did.”

Asked what the new standard front page would say, our source said: “Just look at today’s. Or yesterday’s.”