October 5, 2016

Labour can no longer be considered the party of workers because it isn’t racist enough, Theresa May will tell the Tory conference today.

Promising a Government of action, she will say: “We believe every single person, regardless of background, should be given the chance to be all they want to be. That’s why we pander to popular prejudice against foreigners.

“Too often that isn’t how it works today. Just listen to Labour. They find prejudice distasteful and want to address it, which sort makes us more compassionate when you think about.

“Yes, I’m going to say compassionate.

“Compassionate.

“And fair.

“Because government isn’t about being someone, with immovable values. It’s about saying words enough times for people to believe them. Why else would 52% of people have voted to leave the EU?

“Words. Enough times. Like compassionate.”

Pledging to place the Conservatives in the centre ground in British politics, she said: “Labour’s gone way left while Brexit has pushed the electorate more right, so let’s say the old centre is the new left and the Tory right is the new centre. Tada!”

“Compassionate. Fair.

“Who wrote this? It says ‘Repeat till fade.’”