October 7, 2016

UKIP will choose its next leader by establishing who is the “hardest” in a brutal all-against-all, last-man-standing, no-rules fight.

Doors and windows will be locked and weapons placed in a circle in the centre of the room, for the taking by whoever is first to reach them.

Senior UKIP figures see it as a natural extension of the party’s selfish ‘look after yourself and fuck those who can’t’ brand of politics, and have reacted angrily to suggestions it might be a bit childish.

UKIP MEP Mike Hookem told Swan Bake: “Come on then. You fucking want some?

“You mug.”

Others were tight-lipped on the subject.

Leadership favourite Steven Woolfe said: “The first rule of UKIP is: you do not talk about UKIP. The second rule of UKIP is: you DO NOT talk about…

“I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten what I was talking about. I feel a bit faint. Are you here about the spaghetti?”

Nigel Farage said: “I’m the fucking daddy.”