October 12, 2016

EU chief Jean-Claude Juncker has been suppressing laughter ever since learning Britain could pay £billions a year to access the single market after leaving the EU.

Reading reports that Whitehall officials were considering continuing EU contributions to secure preferential trading terms after Brexit, the EC president said “But the NHS,” before cracking up and then putting on a straight face again.

In a private conversation with Angela Merkel, Juncker said: “How may Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to change the bulb, one to flick the switch and all of them to flail around in the dark wondering why they voted to stop paying the electricity bill.”

A smirking German Chancellor responded: “What do you think of this pen? I think I might throw it in the bin. The time I spend pressing and releasing the button on the end could be used to write memos. Can I borrow a pen?”

“I have a Polish pen.” said Juncker.

“Fuck your migrant pen,” said Merkel. “I’ll just press the paper really hard with this British pound coin. I can’t remember what it’s for anyway. Probably this.”