MPs to question Theresa May’s views have been prescribed a course of unidentified daily tablets described by the prime minister as “good for them”.
The measure is thought to be aimed at securing agreement over Brexit, Heathrow or a 50-foot statue of Mrs May in Trafalgar Square if that’s what she decides she wants.
Although the ingredients of the tablets are unknown, the measure came to light after behavioural changes were noted in the “patients”.
Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “W-w-w-well, I-I, w-w-went to N-Number 10 and M-M-Mrs M-M-M-M-M…”
Brexit Secretary David Davis said: “Ahh, Juicy Fruit.”
Foreign secretary Boris Johnson is understood to have been first to be prescribed the “treatment” after telling Mrs May: “It was 48% to 52%. All we probably needed was one vote, right?
“And look: I wrote this column for the Sunday Times in February about how Brexit would be fucking insane.
“Would you please make it stop now?”
But Mrs May told him: “Mr Johnson, the referendum was held and the vote was closed.”
Sources say the tablets have led to at least one case of “over-compliance”, from a Tory councillor who launched a petition saying Remainers should be charged with treason. Guildford councillor Christian Holliday has since undergone a lobotomy.
Suspicions have also been raised that the “medicine” has found its way into the water supply after polls showed inexplicable public support for Mrs May.
Lifetime Labour supporter Harriet Makepeace said: “I love Theresa May. That’s why I voted for her.