October 20, 2016

Donald Trump will be appointed president of the United States within the confines of his imagination whether he wins the election or not, he has confirmed.

A majority vote against him will not be allowed past the heavily guarded wall around his internal reality, within which all women welcome sexual molestation and he is a handsome Emmy winner with good hair.

Internal Trump said: “The media is so bad, they’ve poisoned the minds of the voters, but unfortunately for them no one reads their papers in my brain.

“No one reads. They just stand around cheering ‘Trump’ while I make strange hand gestures and smile smugly and tell them, ‘You people, you’re the smart people. You’re like me. I’m a smart person.’

“And they are like me. In fact they are all me.

“Not Mexican.”

Political analyst Ray Doyle said: “Trump threatened to keep us ‘in suspense’ about whether he’d accept losing the election, but that’s like a four-year-old saying he’s not going to tell you whether he ate the chocolate that’s all over his face and hands.

“There’s no more suspense about it than there is about whether he’s harrumphing gropey cockwomble.”