November 2, 2016

Swan Bake has obtained a copy of a school timetable proposed by UKIP in the hope of ‘influencing young minds’ and increasing levels of patriotism.

The document, reprinted below, was leaked following UKIP leadership candidate Suzanne Evans’ call for more “good kippers” to become teachers.

9am: registration and foreigner head-count

9.15am: minute staring at Union Jack in silent contemplation

9.16am: foreigner recount

9.30am: (boys): British studies

9.30am: (girls): home economics

9.30am: (sluts, optional): flag making (Union Jack)

10.30am: morning fight break

10.45: foreigner recount

11am: geography (of Britain)

Midday: pub lunch

1pm: foreigner recount

1.15pm: daily Britishness exam

2pm (boys): maths and sciences (using Imperial units)

2pm (girls): self-defence (against a sexual advance by a Pakistani or Bangladeshi man)

2.45: physical education. Boys: boxing. Girls: athletics (using Imperial distance measurements)

3.30pm: after-school fights in nearby alley

4pm: debriefing in pub