December 2, 2016

Brexit means retaining access to the single market and allowing freedom of movement as a full member of the European Union, David Davis and Boris Johnson have confirmed.

Having convinced voters the UK needs to leave the EU, the two men charged with effecting the decision have established that nothing could be further from the truth.

Brexit Secretary David Davis said: “The £20 billion a year currently paid to Brussels for the benefits of EU membership such as access to the single market will be paid to Brussels for benefits of EU membership including access to the single market.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said: “I’ve always believed immigration is essential for economic prosperity. I tell lies and it gets out of control. You’re not recording this are you?”

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “Imagine if nothing you wanted was ever going to happen because all your expectations were as deliverable as an underwater roller disco.

“Brexit means that.”

Brexiteer Tory MP George Cowley said: “I wish the whole world was made of delicious chocolate. I could eat my own legs.”