January 4, 2017

Theresa May has denied rumours she plans to return to the realm of magic and dragons she comes from.

Having become prime minister by sorcery, she will harness the same dark powers to secure support for dismantling human rights, so that we may be servile to wizards, a source confirmed.

The source said she also planned to use sorcery to achieve Brexit, specifically by transforming herself into a large and savage dog to devour anyone who raises potential difficulties.

“Unfortunately for her that means anyone who has any clue how to do it,” said our source, a four-foot owl.

“Like all narcissistic psychopaths she will surround herself with fools and sycophants, setting the scene for her dramatic downfall.

“I don’t want to completely give the ending away but let’s just say that, having grown strong on the life-force of civil servants, a spell on the European Commission backfires and she turns herself into a soulless husk. Again.

“It’s a terrifically satisfying conclusion.

“Britain is still fucked.”