January 13, 2017

Watersportsgate will seem like the good times if a photograph of a certain button-sized reproductive organ ever becomes public, Vladimir Putin has warned Donald Trump.

Paying prostitutes to urinate will seem a picture of normality once people see the “confusion” inside the president-elect’s trousers, Putin said.

In a phone call to Trump, the Russian president said: “I’m looking at a photo. I don’t even know what it is. Maybe a mini-chipolata. No, it’s too small. A button mushroom that was picked before maturity and then left to rot.

“You know what I’m talking about.

“The only thing I don’t understand is why it has a comb-over.”

Putin is understood to have threatened to have the image printed on a run of special-edition stamps depicting “medical curiosities”.

“Actual size,” he said.