Boris Johnson tries and fails to imagine something he wouldn’t defend

Boris Johnson has been trying really hard to think of something he believes is wrong, on moral principle rather than for expediency, and has failed.

Mr Johnson searches for some moral fibre in his hair.

The Foreign Secretary has considered misdeeds in popular fiction, from Nick Cotton’s all-round nastiness to Ming the Merciless’ plot to vaporise Earth, and thought only of each ‘What happens to me?’

Boris thought: ‘I could prevent the destruction of Earth by convincing Ming I am a useful ally and seeking to dissuade him. He might make me ruler of it.

‘Nick Cotton is trying kill Dot for her money. If I befriend her, I could be witness to this and turn him over to the police. And then kill her.

‘Otherwise what’s the point?’

A friend of Mr Johnson’s said: “I remember watching Sophie’s Choice with Boris. You know, where a Nazi officer tells her she must choose which of her two children to keep, or lose them both.

“I said to Boris, ‘What would you have done in that situation?’

“He said: ‘Taken both children and shot her for stalling. That’s how to get promoted.’”

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