A Daily Express reader takes Daily Express articles seriously, he has confirmed.
Ray Doyle of Basildon labours perpetually under the impression that ‘fury erupted last night’ over some imagined impediment to the xenophobic agenda of a billionaire pornographer.
Doyle’s failure to correctly identify the paper as a pile of shit emerged as he repeated one of its headlines to friends with no hint of irony.
Mr Doyle’s friend Will Bodie said: “We were all talking normally and suddenly he comes out with: ‘How’s this for a migrant scandal? Two-hundred illegals a day were caught sneaking into Britain. And that’s just in one month!’
“Obviously we all fell silent as he looked from stunned face to face. Then someone laughed nervously, thinking he might be having us on in a really deadpan way. But he wasn’t and silence fell again, only somehow quieter than before.
“And it was weird because even the birds stopped singing. And I’m sure somewhere in the distance a dog stopped barking. And I looked at my watch and the second hand had stopped moving.
“I have no idea how long this went on. Weeks I suspect.
“Until eventually someone said: ‘It’s 6,000, Ray. Two-hundred a day for a month: 6,000. Why don’t you just say 6,000?’
“And someone else said: ‘How many the next month?
“‘How many per minute in one minute?’
“And I said: ‘My car will do 100mph, Ray. And that’s just in one hour.’
“There was another week-long silence before Ray added: ‘Anger erupted.’
“I said ‘Where from, Ray?’ and he said, whispering now because he was ashamed and confused, ‘The anger volcano?'”