Theresa May warned over Lord Heseltine’s history of dealing with vicious animals

The last time a vicious animal got on the wrong side of Lord Heseltine he killed it on the spot with his bare hands, Theresa May has been warned by advisers.

Jack Torance
Lord Heseltine on his way to a meeting with the Prime Minister.

After sacking Lord Heseltine for saying what everyone sane thinks about Brexit, Mrs May was shown the interview in Tatler magazine in which he admitted strangling a “beloved” pet Alsatian after it looked at him funny.

A Number 10 source said: “It wasn’t even his beloved Alsatian.

“Mrs May was gently reminded that this is a man who for reasons only understood by himself also once swung a mace in parliament and claims to have shot 400 squirrels ‘without hesitation’.

“How is that even possible without a machine gun?

“And squirrels aren’t vicious, so God help her.

“His nickname’s Tarzan, for God’s sake. Lord of vicious animals.”

Lord Heseltine said: “This is a misunderstanding. I’m not going to hurt the Prime Minister. I am just going to bash her brains in. Bash them right the fuck in.”

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