Britons have confirmed that presented with a simple choice of buttons marked ‘more pain’ or ‘less pain’ they will overwhelmingly press ‘more pain’.
While pigeons and rats quickly learn not to repeat actions leading to suffering, tests show the British public is more likely than ever to choose pain, like a budgie flying into walls until it is dead.
Psychologist Professor Brian Cox, who tested members of the public ahead of the general election, said: “It didn’t seem to matter how hard we slapped them in the face – they pressed the ‘pain’ button again, suggesting a Tory landslide.
“In some cases they pressed it repeatedly, as though impatiently waiting at a pedestrian crossing, pausing only as the slap was administered and then immediately resuming.
“Sometimes we told them the experiment was over and then found they’d joined the back of the queue again.”
Voter Ray Doyle said: “I’m very glad a snap election has been called at a time when more people than ever seem willing to choose pain, because it will bring more stable pain.”
Announcing her decision to call the early election, Prime Minister Theresa May said: “The country is coming together in the pain of the hard Brexit the Conservative Party has somehow engineered since the last election, when it promised economic stability.
“But Westminster is not. Our opponents resist pain. They are wrong.
“So I have concluded that the only way to guarantee certain and stable pain for the years ahead is to ask you if you want some more.
“Think of it not as a snap election but a slap election.
“In the face, again and again, forever.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “We welcome the Prime Minister’s decision and will be offering the country an effective alternative pain.”