A man is seeing clear parallels in the 2017 General Election with his own competing desires to help with his children’s education or kill animals for fun.
News that Theresa May supports fox hunting while Labour will scrap university fees has only confused matters for Ray Doyle, who last night spent an hour helping his son with maths before chasing down and killing a swan with a spade.
Mr Doyle said: “Timmy’s future is the most important thing in the world to me.
“Along with the simple pleasure of causing the needlessly terrifying and brutal deaths of animals.
“Timmy needs extra help and the specialist who provided it at his school has gone in Tory cuts, so it’s essential I do everything I can.
“With the time that leaves, I’m lucky if I get to slowly pull the legs off a spider.
“Do you see the dilemma for me in this election? And I’m just an ordinary man.”
Ray’s neighbour Will Bodie said: “Oh, him. Yeah, we haven’t really had much to do with him since we saw him swerve to run over that squirrel.
“You haven’t seen my cat have you?”