The word ‘stability’ is on the verge of signing a deal with ‘certainty’ after failing to hypnotise enough people into voting Tory.

While opponents have said the voting swing is a rejection of platitudes in politics, senior Tories have noted that could involve saying what they actually think, something they hope to avoid with more platitudes.

The deal is being thrashed out despite concern from critics who say the only new word that can be formed using letters from ‘stability’ and ‘certainty’ is ‘Satan’.

Newly appointed Environment Secretary Michael Gove said: “That’s simply not true. We can also make the word ‘Satanic’ which by lucky coincidence is how the Government now views homosexuality, abortion and science.”