Thought for the day | Philip Hammond: ‘Please help me to stop speaking.’

Official_portrait_of_Mr_Philip_Hammond_crop_2

Today, I am launching a crowdfund page to raise the money for an operation to sew my mouth closed.

An extreme measure, yes, but also the only way to protect us all from the volcanic-like eruption of idiocy that occurs when it is opened.

At this very moment, I feel the ignorance rising like magma within me. The pressure is building, forcing some new, bewilderingly misinformed proclamation towards the tectonic plates of my lips, until it explodes into the atmosphere like a toxic cloud of stupid.

Disabled people are lazy.

There. You see? It won’t be long until there is another one.

Help me, please. Just a small donation could help close this portal into an alternative world of boundless insensitivity.

How will I eat? With difficultly. A bit like the unemployed, I suppose.

There aren’t any.

Shit. Please donate today.

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